How do you start a conversation on a dating app that will have legs? | Jo Barnett

How do you start a conversation in a dating app that has legs?

Before we start this conversation, let me ask you this, what do you hope to gain from the messages you send to people? Looking for a partner? Is the person you are talking to a date in perspective? If so, you should be aware of how important your communication is.

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You only have one chance to make a first impression, what you say and how you say it counts. I know you might feel apprehensive about chatting with a stranger, you might even feel disconnected, tired or bored looking for the elusive spark. It’s okay to feel that way, it’s normal, you’ve been on dating apps for a while, you’ve had a lot of first dates or chats and you do not want to waste any more time. It’s okay to feel what you’re feeling, but it’s not okay to show the person you are talking to how you feel by lazy or indifferent text messages.

Check with yourself before your text, ask yourself, is it a message that encourages someone to talk to me, will it draw him to me or keep him away from me? If you received this message from someone will it make you feel special, interested and want to talk more? Is your communication enough to expect the person on the other end of the phone to put down what he is doing and want to send you a message back?

Does your message have content, I mean real essence? Your words can not be just about you, it’s a balance between clarifying about your text, how are you today and sharing something optimistic? So it’s your turn to ask, did they do anything special? After you changed what I call pleasantness, now you can share a little about your day, what you went through, what a humorous event happened on your day that might Make your text smile?

I repeat, people really do not want to hear moans and groans of a virtual stranger, They have enough of their family. Stay positive and put a funny tendency to something basic that might have happened to you in your day, for example, I went through a brilliant bike ride today, I managed not to fall and only once did I stop breathing, I got in shape!

I hear too many stories about Lazy text messages, messages that start with ‘hi’ and end with very little else. People even send each other pictures without captions, just a picture, without words, and these are intelligent professionals looking for love! Can you really expect to start a meaningful relationship with so little effort? What I encounter is that I turn to you because I feel I need to, but I’m not creative or bothered enough to send you the right message.

If you really do not feel like sending messages and you are not in the mood, wait until you feel compelled to share a little more message wholeheartedly. It works both ways of course but the more you give the more you get back, it’s a bit like business networking where I heard the motto ‘Giving game’.

Now, having established, you need to strive and be in the right mindset, Come from a loving place and really think what kind of message would be nice to receive, now you are ready to give it a try.

Start asking the questions, show some interest in getting to know the person on the end of the phone, take time to read his profile and pick something he likes and ask him about it. Get to know who is at the other end of the line, you never know maybe you will just start finding things in common, the more you start to open up a little more and talk about your situation, encourage a good healthy conversation and even start to disappoint your guard a bit.

Text chat is like a ping pong game, back and forth, Imagine a game and you hit the ball so there is nothing back for hours, the other person just leaves the game, what would you think, how rude? Do not leave a game in the middle, continue with a constant flow and pace so that you feel that you are improving in your game. At the end of the game you will politely arrange when you are going to the next thing, maybe later that night or in a few days, try not to leave people hanging, they are losing interest.

There are no harsh rules for speaking through text, the best advice I can give you is manners, manners and more manners. Once you start following the steps above you will get into a flow of some chats along the way, some people you are chatting with and that’s fine, until you know what you want. Stay polite and if you feel the chat is complete then leave gracefully, let the person down gently, do not ignore.

In the days and weeks ahead, meeting online strangers seems to be more and more available so keep at it and do not despair. You are only looking for one person and it may take a few good calls to find him, but if you make an effort you will find the right person for you.

I’m here to help you with all your online questions and dating, to help you stay motivated and guide you to your best self.

To get help with your approach to finding love and successful online dating, book a one-on-one coaching session with me;

One to One discovery session – phone- Zoom- face to face

Have a lovely sunny weekend, stay connected.

Joe Barnett

Leading dating coach in the UK


Dating coach / relationship expert

Finding Relationships

Help with dating

Dating in social distance

Picture of an optimistic and happy young and loving couple in a bright retro street food cafe via mobile phone.