The ultimate goal of dating and intimate relationships is to reach a juicy, heart-expanding, mutual YES!
But – you will not be able to reach this full YES until you control your NO.
Saying no – to unwanted dates, sexual acts, relationships, etc. – is something that many of my clients struggle with. But it is an essential skill for finding and increasing loving relationships, because:
- Saying no to what we do not want makes room in our lives for what we really want!
- Saying “no” when we are not completely passionate frees other people from our fake, or halved YES, and gives them the freedom to pursue their true ES.
Our ability to make a clear and loving NO frees us and others from the truth.
In other words, it’s a favorite thing to do! Clarity = kindness.
There are a variety of reasons that can make saying “no” scary:
- We fear that saying “no” will lead to loneliness
- We do not like to hurt someone’s feelings
- We connected ourselves to be polite and to people – please and not to be authentic
- We are confused about what are our sincere and non-sincere
- We feel that saying no is not safe (maybe we were punished for it at some point)
- We do not know how to say no without being emotionally withdrawn and feeling disconnected
These obstacles can be overcome with the help of awareness and conscious practice. We can learn to say no in a way that feels safe, grounded, caring and connected.
For example, you can register a trusted member for this powerful exercise:
Hypothetical requests alternate from each other (ask for a hug, date, kiss, etc.) and say “no”, or “no, thank you” from the heart to everyone – even if you feel like saying yes. Feel how this NO resonates in your body, and imagine expressing your NO from the center of your chest – and combining care, connection and kindness. Practicing this skill in a safe and controlled environment can make it easier to say no to a date where he feels vulnerable.
It can be scary to move away from pleasing people and into vulnerability of extreme expression – but the quality of your intimate relationship depends on it. Being more honest with yourself and others about your desires, needs and boundaries is fundamental to building love partnerships based on truth and love, not fear..
In other words: when your lover can fully trust your NO, only then Can they fully trust your YES. This is the time when another person’s true discovery may really begin, without pretense – this is true intimacy.