Rejection is a universal pain point. As social creatures, we all yearn to feel included, wanted and chosen. It is therefore not surprising that rejection often represents the most vulnerable area in our intimate lives – especially when we are single and looking for a partner.
Moreover, because the fast-paced world of online dating provides us with an infinity of opportunities to meet new people, it also implies an infinity of opportunities to be rejected.
After mentoring people from all backgrounds, I discovered that the fear of rejection is the number one obstacle to finding and creating satisfying relationships. However, I found that too Conscious work with this experience Can deepen our ability to love deeply, in an extremely authentic way.
As much as it seems counterintuitive, the rejection pain can open a door to be truly available for love!
In this blog post, I distill the lessons I learned from my rejection experiences and those of my coaching clients into a formula for turning rejection into a catalyst for self-fulfillment – a process that carves a path to true love and intimacy.
Use the rejection as a flashlight
Rejection can be a powerful flashlight: when we use it to look inward, it illuminates the places in us that need the most healing. Ask yourself, “Where exactly does the fear or pain of rejection come from?” Reveal exactly where your emotional wounds are. This awareness is the first step of healing and making these wounds, and living a liberated life.
Once we see where the fear or pain from rejection comes from, we can act to love ourselves more radically in these spaces.
For example, if a person does not feel physically beautiful, a feeling of rejection in a dating situation will cause pain associated with a lack of love for his body. Seeing these dynamics clearly will allow a person to perform self-love exercises that focus on his body, such as whipping cream on himself every night while introducing intentional love into all corners. Such actions can create a new vibration around us, and change our social dynamics.
We are constantly teaching others how to treat us the way we treat ourselves. How we feel about ourselves is far more important than how we look – because people see us as much as we see ourselves. When we love our own corners, we automatically inspire others to love our corners too!
2. Give up “integration”
The fear of rejection usually stems from our addiction to external sources of verification. We are a hyper-social species that is programmed to seek belonging and approval from others as a matter of survival, starting in infancy.
Paradoxically, as adults, the best way to attract true love and intimacy is to offer our love freely, while releasing others from the need to make us feel good about ourselves.
As a teenager, I was tagged as “rejected” by my peers and became socially isolated for several years. What ultimately freed me from the pain of total rejection was the process of giving up love or being “chosen” based on “integration”. When I realized I did not have the option Of “integrate”, I had to do it Give up integration ever.
what a relief! I was freed from the tyranny of the search for external approval, so I continued to carve out my path based on freedom and authenticity. I found my inner source of boundless love and acceptance – and this new confidence began to magnetize people into my life. In other words, I started getting love from my peers as soon as I stopped demanding it from them and started producing it for myself.
Anchoring your heart within your inner source of love may not occur overnight; But, the more you cultivate it, the more peaceful you will feel, and the more attractive you will become to others.
3. Strengthen your nervous system and give love freely
A constant commitment to nurturing a network of loving relationships can strengthen our nervous systems and build our resilience to rejection.
According to The polyvagic theory developed by Dr. Stephen Forges, Children and adults alike need permanent and secure relationships with others to “regulate together” and develop emotional health and resilience. This means that cultivating life-affirming relationships helps us get into the habit of feeling safe Within ourselves– which is the essence of emotional resilience. Thus, prioritizing contact with our family, friends and colleagues builds our embodied ability to feel safe when things get tough.
In the context of dating, having a strong social network will cause the perceived “threat” of rejection to slip off our backs much more easily – instead of throwing us into a state of battle, escape or freeze.
And how do you build a strong social network? By giving love. Giving love, especially when difficult, forces us to stay connected to our inner source of strength – the abundant and unlimited geyser of generosity that lies within each of us. Access to this source, especially when we feel offended or rejected, shifts the emotional dynamics from being a victim to being a giver. It not only makes us feel much better, but it also makes us more attractive to others who are naturally attracted to our lush, brave and daring love.
The fear of rejection relies on a sense of deprivation; But gratitude is rooted in the perception of abundance. As such, gratitude is an antidote to rejection.
Too often, we come out with expectations that others will meet our needs. When these expectations are not fulfilled we experience disappointment and even feelings of betrayal and anger.
When we cultivate gratitude, we remind ourselves that everything is a Gift. Remember we are not entitled For anything from anyone, and that nothing should be taken for granted, helps us to see the glass as half full and not as half empty.
A 2-minute daily gratitude exercise can create a river of abundance in your life. Try to write down one thing you are grateful for every day, and thank it from the bottom of your heart. This simple practice will gently improve the absorption flow in your life, and help you become a love magnet!
5. Choose life!
A full choice in life is to approach each situation with an approach of mixed curiosity rather than judgment or condemnation. It is about looking at the many moments we experience each day – even the most disappointing ones – as opportunities to proactively create good, growth, healing and love.
When we respect life as it is (and not the way we want it to be), we are Fully participate in the great adventure of being ourselves. With this approach, we have an opportunity to use pain – including rejection pain – as a School Instead of a tool for self-punishment. This perspective is not only more compassionate; It can also free us from the prison of resentment, anger and constant resentment.
Look at your reactions to everyday situations when things are not going your way: Do you immediately jump to judgment? Victims? blame? Simply injecting a moment of awareness in these situations will begin to create the space you need to see things from a more merciful lens. In this space lies your freedom to build a richer, more positive and loving life.
Conclusion: The magical kitchen
Don Miguel Ruiz, author of bestselling books The four agreements and The control of love, Tells a beautiful story in the name of the magical kitchen. It folds nicely into my dating philosophy. Here it is, in paraphrase:
Our hero has a magical kitchen that produces any food they want, in any quantity. There are always people around the big kitchen table – eating what they want. The doorbell rings: A person at the door is holding a box of pizza. They say to our hero, “I’ll give you this pizza if you promise to do what I want you to do.” Our hero laughs and says, “Thanks, but I’m fine. I have a magical kitchen that can give me an even better pizza – in fact, feel free to join me for dinner and eat whatever you want.”
Now, how would it go if our hero was starving for days? Maybe he agreed to replace his freedom with a piece of pizza.
We risk losing ourselves and our freedom of self-determination when we step out of a desperate and hungry place for love. Do not fall into this trap! Instead, try to turn rejection into a path of release, healing, and as a catalyst to find love. Find your magical kitchen – I promise we all have one.