Today, I am so excited to have the perfect specialist to deal with the issue of sex. Sex is a really exciting subject, but it is also sensitive and it makes us feel nervous. It definitely makes me feel nervous. And especially when we are trying to bring up the subject for the first time to our dates it is very difficult.
If I’m honest, I’ve never been good at it when I went out on dates and even now, I’ve been in a relationship for a few years with my partner, it makes me uncomfortable talking about sex with my partner. So that’s why I’m so excited to see Shadine Francis here with me today to help us learn how we can approach the issue of sex with confidence and comfort.
Shadin Francis is a certified psychotherapist, a graduate professor of communication personality, and a writer whose expertise extends to the areas of sexual therapy, emotional intelligence, and social justice. She has appeared on many platforms like ABC, CBS, NBC, Fox and the New York Times to share her unique point of view.
This is “Save the Date”, a dating survival kit from Coffee Meets Bagel. In each episode, our chief dating manager, Dawoon Kang, sat down with a guest expert to address some of your most burning dating wishes and examine what it takes to eventually reach your goals: go on great dates that lead to an ongoing and serious relationship.
When is the right time to talk about sex? [1:30]
Issues that need to be addressed before having sex [4:56]
How long to wait before having sex [10:47]
Tips for raising sex as a topic of conversation [23:54]
A living example of this type of conversation [31:17]
How to feel safe during a vulnerable conversation [40:32]
The best dating advice Shadin has ever received [48:50]
Recommended resources [51:52]
“Before you start having sex, you need to talk about sex. Without the conversation, all we do is run away from assumptions that we are both looking for the same things.”
“I encourage people to talk about their boundaries in advance. The boundaries are your pedestal and not yours. So, not only all the forbidden areas, but also all the openings and entry points.”
“All the meanings we have around sex will completely affect what we do, how we feel and how we continue to think about sex.”
“The more you know yourself, the better you will understand your meaning about sex. That meaning affects what we do, how we feel, and how we continue to think about sex.”
“We have sexual attitudes, sexual beliefs, core values and sexual feelings. The more you know yourself, the better you will understand your meaning about sex.”
“What we’re basically looking for in our sexual experiences is a set of emotions. You want sex to make you feel a certain way.”
“Sex itself is not a taboo subject. You are really just talking about pleasure and all the layers of what it means for you and this other person to feel good together.”
“I really want to empower us to re-sue the agency for our bodies. It starts with receiving this information and sharing it with other people. That’s how we re-claim our rights to enjoyment.”
“I do not want us to think about our boundaries, no, our changes, our references, or our course corrections as a negative thing, it’s important information for building a relationship.”
“People are allowed to feel how they feel about what we declare, call, ask, do. You say, I want to go deeper with you, to build with you. I want more.”
“When we make requests, we give people, especially when they are related to the things we want or need, opportunities to participate in the fun with us.”
“When I open up some vulnerability by applying, it’s an opportunity for someone to meet my needs. It’s an opportunity for someone to participate and help me feel good.”
“We have so few conversations, and so few vulnerable conversations around sex, that we are often just surprised.”
“We will not always have the same tastes. We will not always want the same things at the same time. It’s just not to that person’s taste, and that’s fine.”